Sigh caught myself telling someone today “if I could be culturally nonbinary while still identifying as female, I would.”

I should probably get over myself and just start calling myself genderqueer. I haven’t stopped feeling female since I was about 16 (I was definitely agender before puberty, though I didn’t know it was a thing), but I feel way more at home around enbies than cis people.

Kind of makes me sad bc I’m probably going to move to another city in the next few years and will be starting over completely, and since I’m neurodivergent I just don’t gel with most people. They don’t get me, and I don’t get them, and I don’t want to pretend to be someone I’m not in order to be liked and befriended by people I actually feel indifferent towards. So it’s extra hard. so I was thinking, “well, if I went to meetups for enbies I’d fit right in!” except… I don’t actually belong there. I call myself a gender expat bc I’m cis, I’m always cis when I question it, but I want to live over in enbyland with you guys. I don’t have any right to invade those spaces even though I’d feel completely at home there.

SO YEAH THAT’S A THING AND IT SUCKS, and it feels disingenous calling myself “genderqueer” just so I can get access to those spaces when cis people calling themselves “genderqueer” feels appropriative, but at the same time “I’m culturally nonbinary but am actually cis” sounds like I’m so deep in the closet I’m in Narnia when every time I question it the answer is always “nope, still cis” and I do not fit in to cis spaces AT ALL because I’m Not Like Other Cis.

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I wish I didn’t have to overthink this shit

The miserable wizard reading that his favorite spell, “instant painful organ failure IV” has been banned by the council, closing his newspaper and crying softly to himself while a light misting or rain falls outside

*turns to face camera* i told you to stop narrating me motherfucker

But, as the wrathful wizard was about to punish the humble narrator, he remembered that his favourite spell had just been banned. He lowered his magical and handsome skull orb, which ceased glowing ominous green gradually, and sat down on his pimped out evil armchair -the kind to have spikes and gems and such opulent details-, and let out a great sigh, resting his cheek on his fist. It was just not the same without it...

stop that!